Things that Have Happened
Here some of the more ridiculous things that have happened to me in the past couple of months. All are true.
- An old lady offered me snuff (ground up tobacco that you snort) out of a printer-ink bottle. I politely refused.
- I had just gotten over being sick and a young man told me I was sick because I was suffering from “boy pallu” or boy malaria. This involves fever and chills and is caused by a lack of sex. (He found out that this was not an effective pick-up line)
- I was told after the same sickness that I had malaria because I boil my water before I drink it. Therefore, the heat is already within the water and transfers to my body. (Note, I did not even have malaria which is caused ONLY BY MOSQUITOES.)
- I carried two puppies in a cement bag 10 miles on the back of a moto as a favor to a friend. The moto broke down in the middle of nowhere and I had to wait beside an abandoned church with two puppies in a cement sack while waiting for my driver to go back to the closest town to get it fixed. Several people asked me what I was doing and I said “Going to Bante.” They responded “It doesn’t look like it. Give me a puppy.”
- An ant colony moved into my water filter while I was away for a week. Half of them drowned because a water filter is in no way an appropriate home for an ant colony.
- KuliKuli has so far killed 26 cockroaches (at least those are the bodies that I’ve found,) bitten the head off of one praying mantis, and pulled the tail off of 1 gecko, all within my house. Gecko tails continue to move for several minutes after they are severed—very entertaining for a cat. I’ve named the gecko Lefty—he still lives in my bathroom and is now very easy to identify.
- Clyde moved back into my ceiling after a several week hiatus and KuliKuli is terrified of him. He hides behind my cleaning supplies whenever Clyde moves. This means KuliKuli is pretty smart because he knows that he should be afraid, but could also mean that I am pretty stupid because I let a terrifying monster live in my ceiling.
- Although aware that I generally don’t eat meat, my local language tutor tried to convince me that it was worth breaking with my normal habits to eat some boiled cow skin because it is so delicious. (I was not convinced.)
- I had a kid try to convince me to let her “paint” my nails with her finger and her spit. Although she waxed poetic about how shiny my nails would be, I refused. She did not understand when I tried to explain germs and is still mad at me.
- I boiled the fermented milk I bought out of a bucket on a lady’s head to make it safe to drink and ended up accidentally making ricotta cheese! It was amazing.
- I was told that only men can eat plantain chips and if I eat them I won’t be able to sleep. Fortunately I’ve been eating plantain chips pretty often and always sleep deeply so I had some contrary evidence from personal experience. They told me I didn’t know what I was talking about—there was no way I could be sleeping deeply after eating things that are “only for men.” Therefore, not only am I someone who eats things I shouldn’t but I am either a liar or do not know the quality of my own sleep.