Things that could be in a horror film but that are really from the MOVIE OF MY LIFE

by evanrosefowler

  • I am riding on a motor bike behind a fairly large woman in a dress with puffy sleeves. As we are riding, a whirlwind whips up—not so big that it is dangerous, but big enough that there is a ton of dirt and trash in the air. I put my helmet visor down and hope it dies down soon. The woman driving stops the moto, throws her hands heavenward (think evangelical-style) and starts to scream “SANG DE JESU!!!” which translates to “BLOOD OF JESUS!!! After repeating this for about 30 seconds, the whirlwind dies down. The woman contentedly nods—problem solved—and we continue on our way.

  • I am climbing the granite hill behind my house, looking for some peace and quiet when a child, who until this point had been hiding unnoticed in a tree, screams at me; “I AM A SORCERER!” I didn’t know exactly what to do, so I said “Is that true?” He replied “MY GRANDMOTHER IS THE MERMAID GODDESS, I AM A SORCERER!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” He then began throwing rocks at lizards and I told him I’d see him later.

  • I am cleaning my kitchen, getting rid of old food, dusting and sweeping, etc. KuliKuli is outside playing so he doesn’t get in my way. I find a huge nest of ants under a plastic container full of oatmeal. I run to get insecticide. Spray Spray sprayyyyyyyyy. With this, the ants die. But I begin to hear a rustling coming from behind my storage shelves. It is not KuliKuli, he is outside. I almost go find him so he can protect me, but since I have just sprayed poison, I figure that would be both cowardly and irresponsible. I see two antenna sticking out from behind the shelves. A cockroach! I spray him, thinking he is alone and will die and will give me no more problems. BUT THEN TWENTY COCKROACHES FAN OUT ALONG MY WALLS AND FLOOR FROM THE NEST THAT I HAVE OBVIOUSLY DISTURBED. To my credit, I did not scream. I did spray poison everywhere and lock the door and I haven’t opened it yet.

  • I am waiting for my taxi to leave (see transportation post.) This taxi is about the size of a Toyota Camry. I have already asked how many people will be in the car—6, plus the driver, plus 2 children who don’t count. This is normal. We all pile in. I’m in the front seat with another volunteer, with my backpack, helmet, and a tote bag all on my lap. Which is definitely tight, but whatever, it could be worse. We back up with difficulty because it is a manual transmission and my friend’s butt is getting in the way of the gearshift, but this problem will theoretically be solved when we start going forward. We finish backing up, the driver parks, gets out, and tries to HAVE ANOTHER MAN GET IN THE DRIVER’S SEAT WITH HIM. I am not calm. I yell “I AM LEAVING IMMEDIATELY DO YOU WANT TO KILL US ON THE ROAD ALSO YOU TOLD ME 6 PEOPLE THIS IS 7 LYING IS NOT GOOD WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM???????” Everyone except the other volunteer thinks I may be overreacting but I have made my point and they do tell the man that we will not take him in the driver’s seat. The taxi driver also tells me if I keep making a big deal about nothing, no drivers will want to take me anywhere. Just to clarify, there were already 6 humans (including 2 children) in the back seat, 2 of us in the passenger’s seat, and then they tried to put 2 people in the driver’s seat, which would have made shifting gears impossible, and could have impeded the use of the pedals. THE CAR WAS THE SIZE OF A TOYOTA CAMRY.

  • I walk into my house after going to the market, and am greeted by a cat with a bloody mouth and a 6 inch decapitated lizard who is also missing 2 legs. Soon after, only some entrails are left, and when I come back to deal with them, ants have already carried the scraps away. (Way to go nature!)

  • I am about to flush my toilet (by pouring a bucket of water into it—I don’t have fancy things like plumbing,) and find out I have worms. I can tell because they are not tiny and invisible. They are TERRIFYING!!!! I will never be able to think of my digestive tract as a safe space again. (Do not worry, I have fixed the problem with Modern Medicine.)

  • I walk into my office in a new outfit. Everyone there starts making a fuss because I look pretty decent and usually I just look like a pool of muddy sweat. One of the female apprentices says to me—“Evan, you are so beautiful. You are fat, you have a butt that is round like a grapefruit, and you have tiny feet. But if you don’t do something about your skin condition, you will go back to the United States ugly.” (Keep in mind, although I do have some sort of rash on my arms, I would like to think it is not THAT BAD.) For a moment, I did not know what to do with my face, but decided on smiling. I said, “Thank you for saying I have a butt like a grapefruit!” Which is the only thing from that observation that I will take to heart.